Dear Nameless

You are every girl I have ever had a crush on
And there have been, way too many of you
Because I can crush so easily
Have a weakness for a pretty face and weird quirks
A sucker
For those little moments
The way you once ran your fingers through my hair
I didn’t tell you that that time you borrowed my pen
And wrote on your hand
I liked the idea that you were using my ink on your skin
The way we squeeze a little too hard when we hug
Hold on too long
That time we walked
Arms around each other
To the train station
I would have kissed you
Gone home in your arms
If not for your drunk co-worker
You are the pieces that creep into my dreams
Make me able to get through work the next day
You are also three years I wasted not noticing others
Because I was convinced I was in love with you
You are not the same girl each time
And this feeling
Only lingers so long
So if are even remotely interested
You better be obvious about it now
Because I’m no good with subtle clues
And if you are out there wondering whether this letter is about you
The answer is yes
And also no
There is reason it is addressed to “Nameless”
If I wanted it to be to you
I would have used your name
You, are an apology for every could have been
Which is to say
You also are Julia
The only one whose name I am brave enough to say aloud
As it is almost certain I will never see you again
I sorry you were not the one
I know it isn’t fair when I call on you
Do not know where your tolerance for it still comes from
Do not understand, the continued kindness
I do not deserve it
There is no rhyme this time
And I hide the photograph angel
Bury it somewhere in my subconscious
Where I can pretend to forget where I put it
But in my weaker moments
There you are
Hovering
Like all those photographs I can’t bear to part with
Maybe things would be different if we met now
Instead of then
We could forget all the reasons we could, should, not be together
Pretend the word impossible means possible
Love, like every never, is now
Then I remember how unfair that would be
Place you in the box under the bed
Where I put all the regrets
I prefer not to think about