Awkward

For anyone who has ever said something in mixed company
that made the whole room fall silent:
...
That queasy unease of not fitting,
have not yet come to terms with strangeness.
Alcohol distracting your self-consciousness
until you drink yourself right out of the conversation.
Awkward,
teetering on the edge of creepy.
I know this.
I'm the best there is at what I do
and what I do
is very awkward.
Give me a sentence and I will stumble over it.
Put a beautiful woman in front of me and watch me stumble
over her.
Babble incoherently,
like I am the kung-fu master of social faux-pas,
the super-duper Shaolin monk of awkward.
Take any moments you ever felt like you made a fool out of yourself
tripping over the curb, the ill-advised drunk dial,
the ever-popular (WHORE!) Freudian slip
I have outdone you.
I told one of my good friends I thought she was gelatinous.
I think I meant bootilicious,
I meant it, as a compliment,
it didn't come out that way.
This
is my life.
Once, I got a dragged to a party by a girl
who in the past, I thought I was in love with.
Did not want to go.
Disappointed in myself for falling into old patterns
I faked small talk for two hours,
tried desperately to find a way to escape.
Suddenly there I was,
full-on panic attack in the middle of a room full of strangers.
Once, my skull split on concrete
Maybe my split skull split personalities
because the other one
Who speaks in whispers of contempt
Started to get a lot louder
it said “They will never understand you, these people.
Do not trust their humanity
it is flawed.”
The fear of ever having to explain
makes me pull away,
become quiet,
Suspicion is a wall I put around my emotions
so no one will be let too far in.
I push against that wall.
Smack my head into it
even as I feel the brick split my skin.
Bleed,
go vulnerable,
make the awkward charming.
The thing that makes the girls giggle.
Feel its shoulders ease
Make it swagger, yeah.
Command, the awkward,
own this moment,
own that shit ,
like this is who I am and motherfucker what?
This moment right here?
This is your redemption,
This is your revival
This is your release
This is... (gyah noise x2)